112008 - Grown Ups are Over rated

So, I've become un-fun. I married a man who never knew me when I lived from my car and only possessed books and fabulous shoes. I married a man who has only ever known the super-stressed-ultra-organized-nazi-bitch of a woman who is incapable of actual joy because it's too messy. I've become the opposite of my mother and that was, of course, the point.

And now I have to un-do it if I'm going to save this thing and actually enjoy the perfect little world I created.

I have a laundry list of men (and women) who knew me then. I wish I could get them all together to tell me the best and worst parts about me and have Andy present so that he could hear them too...and then I'd want his, for those are the most important. I never left a relationship without knowing more about myself than I knew going in. I took and took and took and now, now that I want to be the giver...giver of a lovely house and clean and happy children...hot food and a kiss goodnight...it seems that what I actually need to be giving is the thing I have forgotten how to be. Fun. Happy. Lovable. It used to be so easy to captivate people...make them fall in love with me and stay with me for some time. I carefully locked away the real parts of me that longed for the life I currently have and convinced myself that suburbia was boring and the bohemian life was all I needed. And it was never an issue, saving a relationship, because I just left when things got dull or too intense.

I have spent the last year thinking that my loss of that spark has to do with the death of my grandmother and the newfound appreciation for life that I have...I blamed the rest of it on the sad shape of both my body and the shambles of a wardrobe/beauty process I have left...but the truth of it all is this: I lost my joy. I'm not sure how...I'm not sure if that is requisite for growing up. I do know that if I can't get it back, we're doomed. I'm driving him away and I just don't want to do this without him.

How do we grow up and be responsible and still love one another and make time for fun and joy and each other? How!? I've got no answer. Do you?