There are some moments in life that just can't be absorbed. Moments that require reflection, with distance. I am certain that this is one of those moments.
The events of the past 5 days have left me sort of hollow. To recap:
I started bleeding on the 9th - nothing all that serious. I went about my day as usual. Went to a talk at NIEHS with my friend, J. Got home, started feeling worse, cramping some, went to the ER. At the ER, they did 2 ultrasounds, one internal one external. Met a Pentecostal lady who told us she "couldn't wait for Jesus to come back." Had some blood work done. Got an hCG quantity of 1260. That's pretty low. Got some antibiotics for an infection. Went home. Sent an email to my supervisors at the school where I teach. No response.
Saturday, the 10th - bleeding lightened up. Played with the guys. Good times. No big deal. Still no response from my supervisors.
Sunday - feeling worse, bleeding back and more severe. Still no response from supervisors. Send semi-angry email that I'm annoyed no one checks their email over the weekend.
Monday morning - arrive to teach my class, talk to supervisor when she arrives late. She informs me she has a hurt back and she just can't find anyone to teach for me. I teach for 5 hours, while totally distracted and bleeding much more severely. Pissed, now.
Monday afternoon - have another blood test. Meet the man who would have been my OB. He's not hopeful.
Monday night - Miss the call from the OB while I'm teaching. Again, with the teaching. Apparently, there ARE no substitutes or policies for sick instructors. Damn.
Tuesday morning - Get the call. hCG falling to 300s. Go in next Monday for a follow-up blood test.
So this is miscarriage, right? Seems like I should have known this. I wanted the kid. I really did. And it feels like that was my last chance. Maybe it's some sort of karmic atonement for lying about the abortion I had. Whatever it is, I can't find the right words.
Someday, with some perspective and some time, I'll write more. Today, there is only absence. And some pain.
About Me
- Dr.Mama
- I use this blog to comment on the world as I see it. Sometimes that's negative...sometimes it's positive...but it will always be truthful.
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This is not karmic atonement for lying about the abortion. This is a "was never meant to be."
ReplyDeleteI know it's very hard right now, but things happen for reasons. Many times, we don't know those reasons, sometimes we do. Time will tell in this situation.
Do not think this was your fault or some sort of karmic justice. I forbid you to blame yourself for this. It just happens.
Spend time with your boys, grieve, and carry on being the strong beautiful woman I know you to be.
Also, this was not your last chance. I promise you that. If it comes down to it, I will carry your child, no question. I love you.
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ReplyDeleteI totally agree with Rachel! There is no way on earth you can blame yourself for this. Sometimes crappy stuff just happens for no reason. I hope you can come to terms with this eventually (and I know you will).
ReplyDeleteAnd, if you feel this strongly about things I am sure Andy will be up for discussion on the possiblity of another child.
Just love your boys, be with your husband and find some peace!
Karma is only a bitch for those who don't respect her. It's not punishment for acts we feel guilt over but that did no harm. You know this.
ReplyDeleteLook into the faces of your sons and know that everyone who is supposed to be there, will be there. Already, now, or sometime in the future. Everything that you count as a blessing and enrichment of your life shows how much grace, beauty, and satisfaction YOU have brought to your life.
Our days of darkness pass, and only good and light will remain. Wait for it. <3