A Little Help

Things I wish I'd Known For 2013, I resolved to be easier on the people around me and easier on myself...less judgmental and all that. It isn't going very well so far, but it is a concerted and genuine effort. One of the areas of my life where I have historically not given myself a single break ever is parenthood. Beginning at day one, I, like so many young mothers I know, swore that I would be different, better, whatever than the parents I had. I knew that what I knew was best and I needed no help WHATSOEVER so leave me alone, damnit. It began in the hospital when I adamantly got up to pee though my epidural had not worn off and my legs and vagina were still completely numb. It went further when I refused to allow Aidan to stay in the nursery so that I could get some sleep...I wanted him in our room...so there he was. And instead of being rested and exuberant on the day we took Aidan home, I was exhausted and already well on the way to the road of complete self-neglect I would pave for the next seven years. Unsolicited advice #1: Unnecessary martyrdom is absolutely retarded. It continued. I refused offers of child care. I refused offers of bottle feedings in the middle of the night. As active a father as Andy is, I STILL tried to keep him from contributing. This was my thing. This was the one thing I was going to do right. I was going to be the Best. Mother. Ever. Unsolicited advice #2: Quit striving for awards that don't exist. And I'm a pretty good mother. I know things. I've read the books and the magazines. I've been vomited and shat upon. I've wiped noses with my fingertips. I've kissed booboos and loved on the kids and read stories and answered questions. I've analyzed every bump and poop and breath they've ever taken. Unsolicited advice #3: it is nearly always better to have a drink first and then see if it is still as scary/bad as you think it is. And it could have been so different. You see, over Christmas, I was sitting with my Gran, having a cup of coffee and I was thinking about how involved she had been in my cousin Avery's childhood. How much I wish I had that for my kids...and I realized that I've done this to myself and to my kids. From my earliest days, I mean third and fourth grade, I would refuse help. "I'm okay." could be my personal creed. Unsolicited advice #4: Stop saying shit you don't mean. Seriously. While there is a sense of pride in having made myself who I am, there is also an intense loneliness wrought from having isolated myself from the whole world with my authoritarian and control-freak ways. So, Unsolicited advice #5 is: love out loud. I have never had trouble with that one...but also - show people you need them and value what they have to give. And the final, Unsolicited advice #6: Don't let years go by without ever accepting help. Because someday, you'll really need it, and you'll find that folks have stopped offering.