Dear North Carolina -

So, every now and again, I think it's healthy to take a step back and evaluate what life has given you and decide whether you need to congratulate yourself for rising to the occasion or try and figure out what to do better next time.

It's been 1 year and 1 week since we moved to Cary, NC. So much has happened in our time here. North Carolina has been tough on us: in fact, I might go so far as to say NC is like the abusive poet ex-boyfriend I've got in my closet. He's all sweetness and light on the surface, full of promise and pretty words, but when pushed, he packs one hell of a wollop.

To recount, month by month, our time here so far includes: recovery from a birth, poverty, amazing friends, astonishing charity, hard work, death, loss, more hard work, violence, joy, pain, sickness, growth, and remarkable love. Enjoy the ride.

June 2009 - we arrive. We spend 24 hours making a trip that is supposed to take 16. I am 1 month post-partum and have a prolapsed bladder and a raging case of panic at the prospect of what we are about to take on. I'm eager to get started in my new lab and hopeful that the people there won't hate me. Andy is nervous, eager to get to NC and find a job so we can re-group. We figure it willl only take a month or two for him to find something. Aidan is three. He's just had his very.first.haircut.ever - a mohawk. We flew J out to help us move and my baby sister, Ariel came, too. We'd spent the days before the move drinking and eating pizza with friends, packing, cleaning the house, sleeping on the floor, saying our goodbyes. It's hot. It's beautiful. Thinking of our old house makes me want to cry, now. I LOVED that neighborhood. It was ramshackle, but it had the tallest trees and the greenest grass and the reddest brick houses you ever saw. That month was the last time I'd feel comfortable for a very long time.

Ariel on the way across the country.

The old house.

Our last night in Arkansas.

July 2009 - We unpack and try to settle in. Andy still can't find a job. We get into what would become a ridiculously difficult pattern of me working while he stays home with the kids. I love my new lab...the people in it are wonderful. Ariel leaves. Archer is growing. FAST. Aidan cries almost every night. We struggle to find the $$ for groceries. Coupon clipping and credit card maxing becomes a favorite hobby. We run out of money. We spend lots of time at the park and museum. It storms every day.

The view from our new apartment, which is beautiful. But no yard.

The boys in July.

August 2009 - Andy gets sick. With mono. He won't be able to get out of bed until September. Work starts coming hard and heavy. Archer is sitting up and I find I cannot get enough milk out of me under such stressful conditions. We begin supplementing breastfeeding with the bottle. I feel guilty for being gone so much. Andy still can't find a job. We are now living with an extra $4 after paying bills each paycheck. So we quit paying on our credit cards in an effort to have enough money for ramen noodles and sphagetti. It is UNBEARABLY hot. We go to the cabin.

From the lookout before Andy's Father's cabin...where we go to escape the NC summer.

September 2009 - I fly home and defend my dissertation. I get my PhD. Andy gets worse then better. J and Vicki and Robin and Diana, (who have turned out to be the most amazing people you'll ever meet)steal our children and give us FIVE WHOLE HOURS OF NOTHING TO DO. I was about to crack. It is amazing. Andy has STILL not been able to find a job. We are getting scared and have programmed "MONEYWANTERS" into our phones for all the creditor calls we don't want to answer. Mine has 46 numbers under that name. North Carolina is hotter than any place I've ever been. EVER. My Rachie visits.
I did it!

October 2009 - We begin feeling a little better, in direct proportion to the falling temperatures. Aidan is Thomas for Halloween. The J/V/R/D take Aidan trick-or-treating and we go to a party. We are home by 9 p.m. Andy still cannot find a job.
Thomas (AKA Aidan)

November 2009 - I begin to realize that I hate what I'm doing in the lab. HATE IT. But I cannot figure out what else I might do. At family dinner each Sunday, J and I try and figure out how to save the world. Andy applies for a job that seems promising at Florida Tile. The Manager says he would hire him on the spot if not for HR. Andy says we can wait. Oh, we'll wait, all right. Archer is crawling. Aidan is almost 4. Still cries when he talks about our old house. The creditor phone calls are coming hard and heavy - but we're paying the essentials. We have insurance. We've mastered advanced couponing and are frequently getting 150 dollars worth of weird-ass grocery combinations for 20 or 30 dollars...so we're eating. I'm considering getting onto WIC because we are still trying to feed Archer and I'm afraid the weird food is bad for the kids. We go to the beach with the friendlies to celebrate my 28th birthday. Andy's Grandmother (who I adore) dies. We grieve.
Last photo of Archer and Aidan with GG Ruth.

Aidan on the beach at Anna Maria Island.

December 2009 - Christmas comes. Makes us sad. We miss our family. We save and scrimp and buy/make presents and cards. We enjoy ourselves. I get some extra work with a patent analysis company. Andy is still waiting for word from Florida Tile. Andy's Mom and brother come to visit. It is wonderful. I get TOTALLY blindsided by homesickness and Andy surprises me with creative accounting that allows us to make a bottom basement budget trip home to Arkansas.
Andy and I on Christmas night.

At Apex, for the Christmas tree lighting.

Aidan and Grandma Sherry reading.

Me back with the Murphy girls - who make everything feel better...often with booze.
January 2010 - Aidan's fourth birthday, which I feel guilty about only doing some little things for. I am now working with a virologist upstairs. I have applied at a little nursing school for a third job. ECPI. I get the job. With the financial stress taken away a little bit, we start to relax. But then we realize that we still can't afford for the kids to go into any daycare we think is acceptable. Life continues being difficult. We are eating. We can eat out again. We are surviving. Andy gets a call that he should take the online assessment for Florida Tile. We are confused.
Aidan's birthday breakfast of forbidden donuts.

February 2010 - Andy gets word he's going to be hired! We make cards for Valentine's day. I begin a marathon of days (that is still ongoing) working at both State and ECPI. Tissue culture is a beast of science and requires I work every day. EVERY DAY. ECPI requires I teach for 13 hours a day twice per week. Our marriage begins to get a little strained. I am never home. I miss the kids and Andy. Florida Tile still hasn't called.
Science never lets up.

March 2010 - Andy is 27 - I cannot get him anything fabulous. I miss Arkansas. Creditors are still calling. We are still behind and cannot seem to dig out. We pay off a few small things. Andy gets a call - he's going to start work in April!!! Things are looking up! I get more Neopatents work. We go on dates. The kids seem to sense the end of DaddyDays are coming to a close. Archer is cruising and eating solids. Aidan has discovered insolence is his FAVORITE>THING>EVER. I find out I’m pregnant.
Sunset over Jordan Lake.

The Easter Egg hunt. The day before we found out I was pregnant.

April 2010 - I have a miscarriage. It is ugly. With some creative accounting, we get the kids into an AMAZING daycare. It costs 2000 dollars a month. TWO THOUSAND. Jeez. Andy will be evaluated for a raise in July. He's being groomed for Assistant Store Manager. The company seems AMAZING. He's talking to grownups again. He's laughing again. We're having FUN again. We're still TOTALLY broke. We begin thinking about a plan for paying back all the massive piles of debt we've amassed. We decide we aren't sorry.
The boys playing at the sand park in the beautiful Spring weather.

May 2010 - We go to Target on Memorial Day and are privy to a teller getting shot. We bolt. We are safe. I don't FEEL safe. Hypervigilance won't go away. Andy and I are jumpy in public places. Aidan decides he will leave the gun he built out of Legos (we don't allow guns in the house, toy or otherwise) on his toybox in case a bad man shows up. My heart is permanently lodged in my throat. Archer is almost walking. Andy still loves work. We've paid off two credit cards.
Aidan and Andy - handsome!

My legs post-Target shooter.

The boys on Mother's Day.

June 2010 - We are making it. We are surviving. Digging out from under a two story tower of debt is no fun, but we've done it before. We made bad choices in Arkansas, probably, not saving more money. But we did, as everyone does, our best. Andy's mother, my Gran, J, Vicki, Robin and D, Gary and Teresa, our amazing babysitter Tria, my lovely co-workers, and now Andy's: You've gotten us through this. It's been so difficult. So trying for us. But even now, even still, even after all the pain and fear and doubt - our marriage and our family (both born and chosen) are such a blessing.
The boys this month - June - we made it through the first year!

In all, we've made some mistakes. But we've snuggled in closer to one another...and I consider that a victory.

Here's hoping 2010/2011 brings the yin to 2009/2010s yang.