Geore W. Bush ruined my career.

So, I begin too many sentences with the word "so". It's a habit. Sorry. I'm not going to change. If only the scientific world's editors would accept my sweet little stream of consciousness flavor of writing, I would totally be working in a posh lab at Duke Med instead of getting quasi-fired from my NC State post doc.

So, let's talk about NC State.

I've never been anywhere...let alone a college campus (in a metro area with many college campuses) that has 50,000 people on it on a given day. Fifty thousand. You didn't read incorrectly. And it's beautiful and sort of poetic in this unassuming way. See, State is an ag/vet sort of place...in point of fact, my building smells like the ass of a chicken has lit a cigarette and broken wind at the same time. Right now, it smells like someone has cooked the chicken with the cigarette and the gas...but whatever. It's downtown, so there's an urban feel to it, but the students are fresh-faced and genteel. There is a sense of history, of rural class. It's great, State, and I'm going to miss it.

"Why are you going to miss it?" you say. I'll tell you why: BECAUSE GEORGE W. BUSH ruined my life. Because he gave the greedy bastards who run the money in this country carte blanche and then declared war on both science and intellectualism. Make no mistake, his wars aren't wars of "freedom" or any other buzz word he wants to put out there...they're wars on the "other" and science, to him, was other.

I digress. We didn't get funded. It was always a possibility, so that isn't the problem.

The problem is this: I didn't expect to fall so in love with the folks I work with, with my boss and his silly awesomeness, with my boss' ex-wife who is awesome in a totally different way...with the techs and the grad students and even the undergrads. These people are quality, intelligent, quirky, worthwhile folks and I cannot imagine a world where I get to have this sort of gift twice. And so, I am angry. When I get angry, I try to fix things. I cannot fix this. Funding dates are too far gone, money sources tapped out, etc. etc. etc. I am the breadwinner in my family right now; we moved here because I wanted to. What happens when this turns out to have been a mistake? I am not the sort of person to shy away from blame.

So, I've been putting in applications. It's a hard thing, to put yourself out there again and again and again and hear no a thousand times. It's even harder when it's scientists telling you no, because we are a group of the most socially retarded people on the planet. We say things like, " We think you are qualified and would fit in the position, but we'd like to have someone who has a more team-oriented perspective." I.e. "We want a man from India and/or some other country where people are often politically forbidden to ask questions to work in our lab for 75 hours a week and do our bidding with no questions and no ideas of his own. We think you are bossy and loud and awkward and have little to no interest in answering your questions or making you a better scientist. Know your place, woman."

Make no mistake, quite a large chunk of the people I have met in my field are absolutely the most progressive group I've ever met...seriously, to paraphrase my good friend J, they literally wouldn't care if you're purple, if you do good science. But, come on, I don't think I'm the next Marie Curie or Linus Pauling, but I'm good at what I do! I'm fun! I swear a lot! I make the coffee! Give me a job!!! (Seriously - give me a job)

One way or another, something will give. Until then, I'll be putting in as many hours as my lab (and my stay at home husband's sanity) can take. I love science. Even when it doesn't love me back.